How to Write About the Middle East: A Satire

How to Write about the Middle East

        Always use the word “Desert” or “Middle East” or “Sahara” or “Arabia” in your title.  Subtitles may include the words “Arab,” “Oil,” “Egypt,” “War,” “Bomb” “Terrorist,” or “Sun.”  On your cover make sure to depict all of the men wearing turbans, and in the case that you must also show a woman, make sure she wears a burka and only the thin slits of her eyes are revealed.   Any readers’ curiosity as to what lies beneath will force him to read to the end.

          Treat the Middle East as if it were a single country, and make sure to treat the people as if they were a single group, all with the same traditions, language, culture, and religion.  There are only two settings in the Middle East: overcrowded cities and vast deserts.  When describing the cities focus on the multitude of people, poorly clothed and even more poorly fed, and the large number of beggars lining the street.  The noise is incoherent.  And everything seems to be chaotic.  Venders sell everything from silk clothing to live animals on street corners.  Children play barefooted in the roads, which are unpaved.  There is a mosque on every other street corner, and the other buildings pale in comparison to these beautifully built structures.  Other buildings are simply impermanent tents set up in the morning and taken down at night.   In the desert there is nothing but sand and more sand.  Pyramids fill the entire skyline and besides an occasional well, there is no water to be found.  Days of traveling might lead your character to stumble upon a local tribesman who knows the region and can give advice, or you might not be so lucky and he may stumble upon a thief who threatens his life and ultimately leaves him with nothing but the clothes on his back.  The blazing sun continually beats down upon your characters until they feel like giving up all hope and dying.

          Describe all the male characters as being heavily bearded and wearing constant frowns upon their faces.  Include the way they shout angrily at each other and use strange unfamiliar words such as “Salam” and “jihad.” Your characters must travel by one of two means: your city characters must ride bikes or pull medieval cart like wagons, and your desert characters must ride atop camels and carry whips, running their camels into utter exhaustion. The desert characters carry 1950’s style rifles and have large herds of camels between just a few of them.  In the city you must describe a specific character who tames a cobra to the sound of a charming tune, awing the spectators.  Women do not exist in your desert setting, and in the cities they are only present to serve their male masters mainly through sexual gratification.  None of these women have prominent roles and so it is important not to include much detail.

         There must be an overarching sense of both anti-Semitic and anti-American views across the region.  This “Jewish problem” is constantly brought up and any white characters are spit on by their Arab counterparts.  It spans from the young to the elderly, and any Jewish sympathizers are equally as loathed.  The true ruler of the land is Islam, and the men must be described as praying at all times during the day, carrying a Qu’ran with them as well as other religious texts and symbols.  This is a religion of terror, and the same men who hold fast to their Islamic views meet in private to discuss future terrorist attacks. These attacks are very prevalent, and as a foreigner one’s life is always at stake.   Leading the way is a powerful dictator who sits upon a throne of oil, using religion as a scare tactic to force his people to obey his strict commands.

        Conclude your piece by mentioning how the terrors of the Middle East are routinely forgotten amongst the issues that are closer to our doorstep as Americans.  But the threat that the Middle East poses to the world deserves much more attention.  As the sun sets on this land filled with questions, a new day of disaster lies ahead. 

Bradford Dewitt